By Oriana Torres
If there is
something that women can benchmark from men, is how –consciously and mainly unconsciously-
they build effective support networks around them. Recently, while interviewing
Babson College new President Kerry Healey around key advice for young leaders she
could not emphasize enough on the importance for women to build a support
network, defined as a unique group of diverse,
loyal and enthusiastic individuals that are not only genuinely willing
to invest in your success, that are vested in it and that cheer for you while
you get it.
While
the concept of network might sound overrated and there are infinite sources of
information of what a network is and how to build one, this article is all about
breaking mental models and inviting women to evaluate their network. Breaking
mental models is all about rebooting the idea women self-sufficiency makes us
heroes. Evaluating our networks is about recognizing that while many women
might already have apparent core networks in our lives, its composition and
motivation might not be ideal.
The ideal support network: ask yourself these 3 questions first!
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The 3-question Test |
Networks are sets of relationships
critical to your ability to get things done, get ahead and develop personally
and professionally (Ibarra, 1996). While the definition is very precise and
assertive, I would like to “spice it up” with 3 key elements that might be
taken for granted when it comes to building a network.
We all have families, friends,
co-workers, and acquaintances … but does that automatically make them an ideal
network to support our development as women, at home and in the workplace? I
invite you to reflect on your own current networks and think about how they
rate in the light of these three features.
Question 1 - Are they available to invest
in your success?
To have people with a true desire to
invest in your success is the building block for network building. People that
have the readiness to support you succeed as a woman, must not only believe in
your dreams and plans but they should have the availability (time,
financial resources, other) and conditions (skills, abilities, attitudes)
to help you make them happen. As a personal example, I have absolutely no doubt
that my two sisters would do anything to see me succeed. But one of them lives
miles away in Europe and the other one is autistic and for obvious reasons
can’t support me in certain things. And yes, we are talking about extremely practical
things here as picking up my child from school or cook a meal, while I am on a
heavy workday in a particular season. This might be an extreme example, but it
serves very well to illustrate the point.
Question 2 - Are they vested in your
success?
Having someone willing and available
to help you succeed (as we saw in the past question) does not imply that they
are “vested in your success”. To have a vested interest is “to have a strong
reason for wanting something to happen because you will gain from it”. While I
do not mean to suggest that relationships should be transactional, the
notion of vested interest makes willingness to support more sustainable.
A professional sponsor or entrepreneurial mentor might be vested in your
success: if you do succeed, she/he and industry, company or cause you both
fight for might be better of. Another, and in my opinion the most important
example is of course your spouse or partner: if you succeed (under the
assumption that you both share what success means), your overall relationship,
family and household will become stronger. As Sheryl Sandberg said, “the most
important career decision a woman can take is deciding who to marry”.
Question 3 - Will they cheer for you
while you get it?
On a day-to-day basis, energy is
what keeps us going. If someone is helping you, his/her own satisfaction while
doing so should exude. Cheering for you means being there just to listen, to
give you constructive feedback, or to simply tell you “I am proud of you” or
“Keep going” when it is most needed. You do not need robots that just get tasks
done inside your network. You do not need people that despite being available
and even vested in your success can’t relate to you and can’t have the level of
enthusiasm to celebrate you.
Rejuvenating your network
When applying the 3-question Test for
the ideal support network there is no wonder that family and mentors generally
meet all three criteria. Sometimes however, we might be surprised that people
in our core network just meet one or two of the three criteria. What is
certain, however, is that there is nothing wrong if your network seems
unbalanced right now, as long as you are aware of it and you start working on
it. For this, you can use some on these quick strategies to start rejuvenating
your network:
- “Talk to them”: Explore why some relationships
appear so unbalanced. Do they really understand and accept your own definition
of success? Are they supporting me out of generic responsibility or politeness,
or do they really see this as a “win-win” relationship? If answers are not
apparent to you, dare to have these difficult conversations and get to the root
of the issues.
- “Use the 3-question filter actively
to engage with new people”: You meet people daily and time helps you develop a relationship
with them. Ask yourself the 3 questions actively and welcome people that can
add value to you. Remember network members come in different shapes. In
intermediate cities in Latin America, for instance, neighbors are key network
members, so give yourself permission to see beyond the family, co-workers and
friends circle.
- “Let people go”: There might be individuals that
after deep conscious analysis, you realize were never meant to play certain
roles in your life and it’s healthy to let them go. That does not mean you
finish or truncate your relationships, but you might now locate them in a
completely different place when it comes to supporting your path as a woman to
success.
Vulnerability is power
Vulnerability is power. Many women,
especially those of us of the “You can have it all” mentality, still can have
the misconception that we can achieve “professional-personal balance” alone, by
multiplying or cloning ourselves. Men have created for generations an ecosystem
around them to advance in careers (being us women as partners and mothers their
principal network members!) and now as women is our turn to move from only from
being only “supporters” to be the “supported ones”. As the African proverb
says, “it takes a village to raise a child”, same way, it takes a village for a
woman to make his way into her own definition of success. And this village is
your core network. Pick it wisely.
